“Phantom Pain” by Howard Hinterthuer
A Vietnam Era Memoir in Installments

One

You each have asked questions about Vietnam and my role in it. When you were children I told you how lucky I feel to have gone through it without being killed or wounded, and I may have said that I feel as if I avoided a lot of psychological pain by being so well prepared. “After a year at Madigan,” I would say, “I had no illusions about what could happen to me.”

It isn’t true. Now that you are both adults I can say that. The hardest thing was admitting it to myself. I wasn’t really aware of all the baggage I was carrying around until Jennee Dellegrazzio called to ask if she could interview me for the book about Ozaukee County Vets. I told Jennee my standard stories, culminating with the flight back to the world—a neat and tidy ending.

I was caught off guard when Jennee asked, “Then what happened?”

I said, “They told us not to wear our uniforms home—on the journey from Ft. Lewis to wherever.” As soon as I said those words I began to cry—fifty-three years old and shedding tears that should have flowed a long time ago. Jennee was crying too. I actually felt embarrassed and relieved at the same time; embarrassed because Jennee seemed fragile at the time, and relieved because I recognized there was no point in lying to myself anymore. I have many scars from that part of my life. Some still hurt a great deal, phantom pain that hasn’t gone away.

A year or so later I sought counseling. Paul, my psychologist said, “Grief is like a doorway. You can’t go over it or around it. You have to go through it.”

I took his advice and began a daily journal of my thoughts, dreams, and interactions with others. Over a six month period, with Paul’s help, I unpeeled myself like an onion, discovering some of the reasons behind long established patterns of dysfunctional behavior. Paul helped me to become aware. That’s why I call him Pablo la Llave Inglesa. I am told it means “Paul the Wrench” in Spanish. He adjusts the nuts!

Part of it had to do with Vietnam. I journaled a few episodes I thought he might find significant. The “B.F.R.” episode I had written prior to Paul or Jennee. Now the time has come to tell the whole story as best as I can. I want you to know what happened because there are still fools in the world who make war for faulty, nebulous, or sinister reasons. Mostly I don’t want you to get involved in helping them. This story is for you. I’m also telling it for my sake.